Yeah! I made it. Another birthday. Another year.
But it is getting harder to hang in there.
I am falling behind in the race to survive. I want to walk as far as my feet will carry me, sing as loud as my voice will rise and write as fast as I can before I am gone.
From the top of my skull to the tip of my toes, my body has taken a beating. But, I keep waving the warrior flag and drawing on the strength of my ancestors. I could have, should have, would have died after a rabid skunk bite as a toddler, after a neck breaking fall off a bicycle in Germany, after flipping out of a car speeding down the freeway in France, after splitting my skull in a bad fall at home in Switzerland.
Yet, for some reason, I am still here for another spin around the sun!
Ever the great pretender, I fake my way forward — tackling Lyme’s disease, environmental illness and more accidents than I can count.
I endure physical ailments with self-discipline and endless rehabilitation - physical therapy, chiropractic treatment, massage, heat, ice and talk therapy.
I fought back from broken bones, but how do you recover from a busted brain?
How do I manage a mind that misfires from damage to the frontal lobe, the mastermind that pulls the strings in the back of the brain that fulfills all human functions?
For the past five years, unable to filter sounds, lights, voices, commotion and to curtail the cacophony of background noise that is the essence of life, I hide in a dark, quiet room. I avoid the masses and loud places - stores, arenas, theaters, restaurants, events and situations that create sensory overload.
Brain activity analysis
I wanted to give up. The Functional Neurology Center gave me hope. After their high- tech diagnosis, I attended an intensive week of therapy, a Boot Camp for the brain.
I rode in my “space ship,” the GyroStim. It’s a state of the art, multi-axis rotating chair that works with balance, cognitive and sensory integration and affects proprioception. I underwent Virtual Reality training to rehabilitate balance dysfunction. I zapped pain with Accelerated Recovery and Performance (ARPWave) Neurotherapy and Cranial low level laser treatments. I repeated exercises, inhaled Molecular Hydrogen and completed therapies so bizarre, it felt like sci-fi.
I learned our brains are marvelous mysteries; specialists are understanding more about neuroplasticity every day. FNC is the way of the future.
“Neuroplasticity is the ability of the nervous system to change its activity in response to intrinsic or extrinsic stimuli by reorganizing its structure, functions, or connections after injuries, such as a stroke or traumatic brain injury (TBI)".
As I struggle to retrain my left side, jump start my cerebellum, and control my frontal lobe, I work just as hard to reset my attitude.
I am an athlete. I may be broken down, worn-out, defective, but I still “run.”
I accept that I may be in training forever in the only game that matters - life.
With age, injury and illness the body weakens, but the spirit grows strong. I get fed up living in this shit shell of a body, but by golly my soul shines on.
In my dance with death, I appreciate better than most that I am living on borrowed time - we all are.
I should be 6 feet under, instead when dawn breaks every morning, I take a deep breath and whisper, “I am strong. I am grateful. I am here.”
Dearest Pat,
We are sending our best wishes for your next year!! You are an incredible fighter!
I always enjoy reading your posts, even when the stories are hard or painful.
Tons of love and strength from your teammate,
Bette ❤️
Thanks Bette, like always you gave me a lift today. You will never know how much your phone calls, messages and support gave me after my brain surgery. Or how much you helped me after my bad bike accident down Tannenberg Strasse! I am so lucky to have you as a teammate for life and a forever friend. Bisou Pat
Happy belated birthday, Pat! I admire your fighting spirit, and I suspect that’s due to having such strong ancestors as well as to your athletic training. I don’t know how you rode in the tilting spaceship-thingy. Being spun around like that would’ve made me vomit (of course, I don’t do well on rides at the county fair, either!). Hang in there — it sounds as if you’ve surrounded yourself with quite a team (once again!)
Thanks Debbie. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. To be honest, like you I have always hated amusement park rides, I was terrified of going in the spaceship thing. Many of the FNC patients did 360 turns, but the docs toned it down for me & I never had to flip completely, just tilt. Plus I strapped in with a 5 point buckle. On another note, I have been enjoying reading your posts and unable to comment, but I will keep trying.
Happy belated Birthday, Pat! Your stamina, focus and determination are admirable qualities that I’m glad you share with all of us. It encourages and stimulates me, at least! That “gyro” thing would have had me motion sick, but I can see how extensive and innovative therapies would be helpful for those trying to make sense of some of what you have questions about, and give you some answers and hope. Carry on!
Thanks Fran. I am still not sure how that “gyro” thing works either, but I was safely strapped in and never had to do 360, like some patients. People come from, not only the Twin Cities area, but all over the US and other countries. It’s kind of a last hope stop for so many patients trying to recover from TBI, concussions, strokes, dysautonomia and other disorders. It’s fascinating, but so complex. Don’t ask me to explain it, but I bet my brother, Doug, could!
Pat, first Happy Birthday! You are quite possibly the most inspiring person I have the privilege of knowing. You have what we used to call Grit. It is your lust for life that keeps you going. Carry on! Ever onwards and ever upwards. Much love and strength to you. xxoo
Wow, thanks Xanthe for taking the time to read and comment on my post. I appreciate your humbling words and all the strength and love. Call it grit, lust for life or whatever, I will take your words to heart as I charge into tomorrow! I miss seeing you. Lots of love and courage right back at you as you face the challenges and joys of teaching.
Hi Pat!
First, happy birthday! I agree – Every day is a gift, something we’re more and more aware of as we get older.
Second, I’m so sorry for all the injuries and pain you’ve endured and continue to endure. You are a marvel and an inspiration. You have shown such courage throughout your life, and you continue to do so. Even now, opening up about your struggles, reveals an inner strength and bravery.
Third, are you able to travel? I haven’t been back to Sterling in many years, and am looking forward to our 50th (can you believe it?) reunion. Is there any chance you’ll be able to make it?
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers as you continue your fight to live and thrive in spite of daunting obstacles.
Peace and love,
Ginny
Ginny, so good to hear from you and receive your encouraging, uplifting words. Traveling is difficult, but despite the challenges I continue to do so within my parameters. I usually meet with family Up North. I haven’t been back to Sterling for several years and not sure what will work out for this summer. What is the date of the reunion? Right now our plans are on hold. We are waiting to find out of our daughter-in-law will be allowed in the country. International travel has gotten difficult as of late. I would love to see you again. Thanks so much for keeping in touch across the miles and over the years. Peace and love to you.